All I Ever Wanted
by SarahBelikova99
Summary: It was one thing to realize that I couldn't have him, but it was another thing to realize that someone else could. Now it's not just the air outside that's cold, but the spot where my heart used to be. Set after Janine told Rose about Tasha's offer. Can Dimitri free Rose's heart from the icy prison she's locked it up in? Or is it too late for them to claim all they ever wanted?


**Hi everybody! I'm back yet again with a new story. I hope y'all will like. It's co-written with a very good friend of mine, **roza m belicova** so half the credit goes to her. Go check her out, she's awesome. **

**So the events of this story are going to be switched slightly, I hope you guys don't mind…that much. The event of Tasha's brunch gathering will come after Janine breaks the news to Rose about Dimitri possibly leaving to become Tasha's guardian in this fic. **

**Disclaimer: Richelle Mead owns all VA content used, roza and I own the plot.**

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**All I Ever Wanted**

**Word Count: 1,457**

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_-A strong girl is one who can smile the next day after crying herself to sleep_

"Ok, bye mom. I'll see you at um the brunch tomorrow morning." She watched her mother walk out her door then shut it, her body and brain on autopilot.

Rose sank down on the bed, body still numb, sinking into a bottomless pit of depression. She couldn't drag herself out of it even if she wanted to. Further and further she sank as her heart shattered more and more into millions of tiny pieces. She was at the point where she couldn't feel anything anymore, didn't want to feel anything anymore. A lone tear leaked out of her eye and she was helpless against stopping it, or the next few that followed, or the dam that gushed from her face as though in the domino effect.

She pulled her sleeve down until it covered the fist that she had made and brought it up to her face, wiping away the water and the dried tear stains on her cheeks. It had stopped for now; she wasn't even going to bet that she wasn't going to cry anymore. She knew without a doubt she would lose all her money in a heartbeat if she even tried.

Speaking of hearts, Rose's felt like it had been ripped out of her chest and flown across the room, repeatedly stomped on, hacked to pieces with a chainsaw and pushed through a grinder. It was becoming difficult to breathe, but even so she found her mind wondering if this was how it felt to a strigoi when a silver stake was plunged into their heart. She needed to get some of this off her chest, but that was damn near impossible.

It wasn't like Rose could just waltz up to Lissa and say my heart's been broken by none other than my mentor and your boyfriend's aunt. Yeah that wouldn't tide over with Lissa too well. And she very well couldn't go up to her mother and have a casual conversation as though Janine wasn't a non-existent maternal figure. Rose Wasn't even sure Janine would even know how to react.

So Rose was stuck with carrying her own burden, but she was a strong girl and she would get through this.

God she wanted to scream. It was so aggravating. Having the two people she wanted to banish from her mind constantly invade it. Just thinking about them together. The thought of Dimitri leaving the academy, leaving her, made her want to sink down on her knees with pain. The thought of how Dimitri interacted with such ease around the moroi left Rose unleashing the green eyed monster. The thought of them touching, kissing, naked, geez she needed to stop. This line of thinking was doing nothing if not making her nauseous.

And that was just how Rose spent the next hour, with her head hung over the toilet. The tears mixed in with her vomit, the sobs she could not control shook her. It was disgusting. Especially when she felt something come up her throat but stuck there because of the sobs. She was literally choking on her own vomit. How nasty was that?

Once she was done she shook her head, "Gross." She said as she stood up, flushing the toilet. She brushed her teeth and decided to take a shower. Maybe it would help wash away everything that was said today. Down the drain it'll go. She knew it was a long shot, but anything was better than this emptiness she was feeling.

No such luck. All that was accomplished was another round of tears and she curled into a ball on the tub floor under the steady stream of burning hot water. Hot water usually relaxed her, but not today. I swear the amount of water that has come from my eyes just in the past hours could've produced electricity for a couple days, she thought somewhat annoyed.

Rose was such a mess. She was just going through the motions. Numbly, she walked, and crawled into bed, pulling the covers and her knees up to her chin. In that moment she could not help but wish that the smaller she got, she could eventually sink into nothingness. Be a little speck on the face of the Earth, no bigger than a grain of sand. A grain of sand that would eventually blow away and with time disappear.

Rose wanted someone to hold her; her body ached for that touch that only came from human contact. For his touch. That touch that haunted her dreams and sent electric shocks shooting through her. From that night on, the night of the lust charm, his touch, the feel of his fingers, the softness of his lips, the silkiness of his hair had been ingrained in her very being.

She squeezed her eyes shut; maybe if she squeezed hard enough the notions in her mind would squash. It was one thing to accept that she couldn't have Dimitri. It was something entirely different to realize someone else could.

It hadn't even crossed her mind that it was possible until now when it was happening, though it should have. Dimitri was a God; any woman would jump at the chance to be with him. She had, and she was just a naïve school girl.

The place where Rose's heart was supposed to be was replaced with this agonizing burning sensation. It made breathing kind of hard. Hell it felt like her heart had broken into so many tiny pieces that they just blew away. But no matter how bad it was she promised herself she wouldn't succumb.

Rose kept repeating it like a mantra, I wouldn't succumb. I wouldn't succumb. I wouldn't succumb. I wouldn't succumb. Eventually it took a turn for the worse and she did succumb. She was not proud of it to say the least, but as Rose tried to pull herself out of the hole that she had dug too deep for herself she couldn't keep her mind from wandering.

Did he even care about her? Was it just platonic? Feelings like that can't just go away in a matter of days, a matter of weeks. It was just not possible. No Rose, you will not think about him. She told herself. She worked on expelling Dimitri, and her heart from her mind.

Then came dinner; which Rose skipped. Something she did not do often if ever, but she thought she had good reason tonight and she wasn't even hungry anyway. Knocks pounded at her door but she refused to get up and answer them. Lissa's worried voice came through the bond, making her head hurt even more. Rose concentrated and focused herself, blocking Lissa out. This continued for a while until all sounds ceased and she only heard her rapid heartbeat and erratic breaths.

Rose sat up, leaned against the headboard, staring blankly at the wall. The feelings didn't just poke at her, they consumed her. Eating at her until there was nothing left of her.

You see these feelings were just too strong to be feelings of attraction. These were the lingering feelings of more than your average 'break up'.

These were the feelings of true unadulterated love. The realization shocked her to say the least; she had convinced herself that she just had a crush on her mentor. But these feelings told another story.

Lower and lower Rose sank until her head rested on the pillow and the covers covered her chilled, Goosebumps sheathed body. Tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes but Rose made no noise as they fell.

The worst thing wasn't imagining what Tasha and Dimitri might have, don't get her wrong. It was still bad. But the most crushing thing was remembering what Dimitri and she had had. Remembering when she had been with him, knowing he would never touch her like that again, never kiss her again.

It was just a charm Rose, just a spell. Even if he felt anything for her like he'd said all those weeks ago it wasn't like they could act on what they felt. They, the moroi came first.

It was time to face the truth. Dimitri would never love her like she did him.

Rose cried herself to sleep that night, tears coming more and more, faster and faster with the realization that he would never love her like she loved him. Her heart or what was left of it ached in her chest, and then nothing. Rose closed her eyes and convinced herself that this was all just some twisted dream. It would all be okay tomorrow. But first, she had to get through tonight.

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**Entry for Dimitri's. Smexi. Shewolf's 'Frostbite2015 1.5 million Words Challenge' to support the official IndiGoGo crowdfunding campaign. With your donations, the producers will give Frostbite the movie the greenlight for production. Please spread the word as much as possible, and donate whatever you can. **

**So how'd you like? Please review and tell us, we'd appreciate it greatly! **

**SarahBelikova99 & roza m belicova**


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